"I'm living with heartbreak again," the singer shared in a newsletter to her subscribers, adding that she aches "all the time"
Lorde has shared that she’s “living with heartbreak again” in an emotional newsletter to her fans.
At the beginning of her emotional message, Lorde revealed that she had written another draft of the letter but said that she "didn’t tell the truth" and would instead "type and not look back, and send what comes out."
In the new version of the letter, the singer began by sharing that she has been living in London since May but is "starting to miss my friends and family, like a vitamin I’m deficient in.” She went on to reveal that she'll "soon" be going back to New York, before returning "home."
“I’m living with heartbreak again,” the New Zealand-born songwriter then shared in the newsletter, which was titled, "how I've been, revised.”
“It’s different but the same. I ache all the time, I forget why and then remember. I’m not trying to hide from the pain, I understand now that pain isn’t something to hide from, that there’s actually great beauty in moving with it. But sometimes I’m sick of being with myself.”
She continued, "I eat chocolate to try and manipulate the endorphins, bring back the sweet happiness of Easter morning. I sit in the time machine and wait for it to move, but it hasn’t been invented yet.”
Lorde, whose real name is Ella Yelich-O'Connor, has been romantically linked to Warren — who is an American promotions director for Universal Music — for several years, however, the pair have never publicly confirmed their relationship.
The “Green Light” singer then went on to open up about her health struggles in her newsletter and shared that her body is “really inflamed.”
“It’s trying to tell me something and I’m trying to support it but nothing seems to help and I get frustrated,” she admitted.
“My gut isn’t working properly, my skin is worse than ever, I’ve gotten sick half a dozen times. I realised earlier this year that listening to my body is hard for me, it’s something I never really learned how to do. I’ve been trying to teach myself that this year, but it’s been hard actually, pretty confronting, has made me fully aware of all the times I ignored it or didn’t give it what it needed, shamed it for a fight or flight response, took a handful of pills and pushed through.”
She also revealed that she has stopped taking a "pill," adding, “The little yellow pill I took every morning for thousands of mornings since I was 15, I stopped taking it 5 days ago. Gonna see how it goes.”
"I go online and look at everyone," Lorde continued, adding later that, "Everyone looks very thin. Just thinking that makes me feel tired and far away. I’m not sure if it’s having an effect on anyone else."
She then revealed that she has canceled her “grand plans” to attend Paris Fashion Week, which kicks off next week. “This week I txted my manager and pulled out," she wrote. "At the start of my career I promised myself I’d never be one of the people in the light smiling if it wasn’t real."
Elsewhere in the letter, Lorde documented eating "two handfuls of mushrooms" earlier this year and said that during the experience, she "also saw that my body is completely magnificent, and that hating it is as futile as hating a tree; that I truly, truly love doing my job, and that my life is like a beautiful tapestry, and every inch of it is precious and has meaning."
"I know I’m gonna look back on this year with fondness and a bit of awe, knowing it was the year that locked everything into place, the year that transitioned me from my childhood working decade to the one that comes next — one that even through all this, I’m so excited for. It’s just hard when you’re in it," she also wrote, going on to share that "in this state, I went out on a short European festival tour."
Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE's free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.
After sharing details of those tour dates, along with books, art, culture and music that she has recently been consuming, the singer signed off her letter reassuring her fans that they should not "worry" about her.
"Hope you’re taking care of yourself. Don’t worry about me, I still laugh every day, it’s all moving, even when it goes slow. I’ve accepted the mission — I have a self to recover. Speak soon, E X X X X X"
A representative for Lorde did not immediately respond to PEOPLE's request for comment.
Last month, Lorde performed a number of shows in Europe, including at the All Together Now Festival in Ireland, Øya Festival in Norway and Boardmasters Festival in the U.K.
She also shared her first main grid Instagram post in over two years after her performance in Norway and told her 10.7 million followers "there's so much to tell you."
"After the show we went swimming.." she wrote on Aug. 10, alongside a photo shoot of her in a swimming pool. "these times are beautiful and they freak me out and there’s so much to tell you. No this is not the start of anything out there, just want u to know there’s a light on inside me .. show it to you soon."
"It's been super exciting and I feel excited about what's coming," she said in February, adding, "This one, I really am trying to. I don't want to wait, you know, so take from that what you will."
For more People news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!
Read the original article on People.