And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 33 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 15, 2022
I didn't know that being married would involve this much plucking of rogue ear hair from my spouse whilst he's driving
— 🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️ (@raoulvilla) September 14, 2022
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 13, 2022
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 13, 2022
Are you even in a relationship if you don't get competitive with your spouse about whose package just arrived?
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) September 14, 2022
Wife: Can you turn off the air conditioner, and the music, and put the gps on mute
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 23, 2022
My husband was not muted during his meeting this morning so they heard him apologize to the puppy for “paying the vet to chop off your testicles.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 22, 2022
I like to send love notes in my husband's lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) September 13, 2022
We’re at that stage of marriage where I’m basically my husband‘s interpreter.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) September 15, 2022
Our new rescue dog keeps destroying throw pillows and Idk how he did it but my husband finally found a hitman to carry out his evil bidding
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) September 15, 2022
Not to brag but my wife said I am not my own worst critic.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 13, 2022
Marriage is sometimes apologizing for stuff you did in your wife's dream
— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) September 18, 2022
Therapist: have you found time for self care this week?
Me: I ate the fries out of my husband’s order while driving home alone with dinner.
Therapist: *nods approvingly*
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 18, 2022
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 13, 2022
My wife: Only you creepy guys call them panties. Women just call them underwear.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) September 18, 2022
My wife might be taking the football season too far. I just got flagged for illegal use of a decorative hand towel.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 18, 2022
The way I’m complaining about being sick, you would think I’m the husband.
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) September 25, 2022
Exactly how many garden statues signal that my wife has officially become her mom? Is it five? I feel like it’s five.
— A Dad Influence 🇺🇸🇫🇷🇺🇦 (@gbergan) September 26, 2022
My wife was telling me how happy she is that the baby likes her food so I pointed out that he also likes to eat envelopes and now she’s mad at me for some reason
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) September 26, 2022
My husband just came back from the grocery store and forgot milk, bread, eggs, and butter.
Don't worry though, he picked up 3 cases of Sam Adams Oktoberfest, so we're good.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 25, 2022
Our wedding anniversary is this week. I just wrapped my husband’s gifts with Christmas paper. Ten thousand dollars says he won’t notice.
— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) September 25, 2022
We like to spice up our marriage by seeing who can fold the laundry faster
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 25, 2022
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Rolls over to stop snoring.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 24, 2022
most marriage fights revolve around money, kids & using the same knife for both the peanut butter and jelly
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) September 24, 2022
Five words no man wants to hear:
“I’ll go check for myself."
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 15, 2022
Should I tell her I love her?
Should I call her into the bathroom to see this foot-long poop I just made?
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 23, 2022
I just asked my husband how much he loves me on a scale of one to ten and he said, without hesitation, “the usual. An 8.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 24, 2022
Checked the car for my kid’s teddy bear, ended up rescuing my husband’s chipotle leftovers instead, still got to be a hero
— meghan (@deloisivete) September 22, 2022
My mother-in-Law knows exactly where we live, unless there’s a natural disaster and then she’s like: there was a tsunami somewhere in the world, are you alright?
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 22, 2022
Dating: I can’t believe I have to wait all day to see you
Married: I can’t believe you didn’t squeegee the shower again
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 23, 2022
For as long as I’ve known her (13 years) my wife has hated cold water. And now, out of nowhere, she’s a wild swimmer. Please be vigilant. It could happen to anyone you love.
— Brona C Titley (@bronactitley) September 25, 2022
Get married so you can argue over who had a worse night sleep.
— Karen (@AntsyButterfly) September 22, 2022
My husband and I aren't really a showy couple but I just want to acknowledge that today he said I was "unbelievable" (I accidentally locked myself out of the house again).
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) September 21, 2022
This article originally appeared on HuffPost and has been updated.